Blue, gold, Orange, and Green

As a young girl, I was highly sensitive and very emotional. I had sympathy and compassion for people, but even more so for animals. My imagination would let me be a vet, a lion tamer, the Bionic Woman, Kelly of Charlie’s Angels, a wild child of the woods, basically anything I wanted. Most of the time I was made to feel bad about that. I was told I was too sensitive and that I needed to toughen up, to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. I was also made to feel embarrassed and stupid.

I longed to have a mother I could call mom and have a good time with. A mom that would tell me how good I was, even when I messed up. I don’t mean lie to me but would have taught me that messing up didn’t mean I was a mess up. That failing did not mean I was a failure. I wish I could have been able to disagree with her without her telling me I was wrong every time I did. One who would have recognized me as an individual, not an extension of herself.

I liked trying to do different things and that she was pretty good at. I was allowed to take tap, ballet, and jazz. When I wanted to try band in middle school, my parents bought me a clarinet. I wish I would have stuck with dancing because I failed band. I did, however, start clogging in high school. As I got older, I realized I was a closet romantic. I never told anyone because I had gotten so accustomed to being shamed for having so many feelings.

The reason for the title of this post is the color personality test I have taken a few times. There are many out there, but the one I have taken is the one with only those four colors. It took me until I was well into adulthood and had taken that test a couple of times to realize I was a Blue as a child. I believe that is what God created me as and intended me to be. Also, as an adult, I believe I would have turned out a lot better if I had been allowed to be myself.

However, my mother forced me into being a Gold. Of course, neither one of us knew anything about these colors. I doubt the tests were even around back then. I just know that I was driven to do everything perfectly and when I couldn’t, I was made to feel ashamed, bad, embarrassed, belittled, not good enough, yet too much. I was made to do even the easiest of chores over and over because it was never good enough. I was told I could play in the rain without an umbrella, that I wouldn’t drown because s*!t floats. I could keep going, but the point is, the horrible things my mother said and did to me were extremely detrimental to a Blue personality.

I believe I have struggled for so long trying to be a Gold when I was created to be a Blue. Life can suck when you are trying to be something or someone you are not. Blues thrive on authenticity, and I was not allowed to be my authentic self growing up, which meant I never learned who my authentic self was. I figure that is why I hated myself as much as I hated my mother.

When I joined the military and got stationed far from home, I tried to “fit in” with the kids in the dorm. It took me about six weekends of drinking and dancing at the airman’s club to finally tell my new friends I was not a drinker. They said they figured that out the first weekend. By then, I had already done some things I never wanted to do, but alcohol will do that. At least I did not continue drinking because I did not like it. So, there I was on a path I really didn’t want to be on and not knowing how to change direction.

I never thought I would have been a single parent, yet I have been one for 27 years now. I had always wanted to be married to someone that could and would love me just the way I am. I have been married twice and neither time did I feel unconditionally loved. As a matter of fact, one of them was basically the male version of my mother.

The only time I’ve even felt I could be myself and still be loved was as a single mom of small children.

To make a long story short and many bad decisions later, I once again feel I cannot be myself. Some of my bad decisions have led me to being without a home for 17 months, which means I have had to stay with other people. I am not tolerated well when I do things my way, so I have to conform to the ways of whomever I am staying with at the time. And even when I do that, I’m barely tolerated. I have pretty much worn my welcome out everywhere.

I know I’m being a spoiled brat, but I just want a job I like and am good at, a nice private home (preferably with a pool), my kiddos close enough to visit more often, the freedom to become my authentic Blue self, and people that will love the authentic Blue me……unconditionally.

Since it’s late and I am tired, here is a song about introspection, which may help finding one’s authentic self.
Fun/silly fact: I “fell in love” with Lionel as a teenager while watching a show called I-40 Paradise on CMT. My romantic, wild imagination helped me dream of marrying him someday. Well, that didn’t work out, but I still love his music.
Just turn this up, the lights down, close your eyes, relax, and enjoy.

Here is one of his more popular songs which is very fun and upbeat in case you’re not feeling very introspective. Good night y’all. Sleep sweet.